Thursday, October 18, 2012

Things That I Would Trade Alex Rodriguez For

There is a new rumor floating around that the Yankees may have a chance to get the most expensive platoon player in history off their franchise.  Apparently Alex Rodriguez is being looked at by Jeffrey Loria and the Miami Marlins.  It all started off (allegedly) as a joking conversation between friends and is now possibly turning into serious trade talks.  Now as little as the Yankees need another distraction (all the pretty lights and colors at the stadium have been hurting their batting averages), this one is worth it if it comes to fruition.  The Yankees shouldn't ask for much in return for ARod.  In fact, I have some things they should look for in return from the teams of Major League Baseball.

Atlanta Braves- the chance to cheer for Chipper Jones
Jones went on a farewell tour throughout baseball where all the teams and fans would give him a standing ovation.  We did not play the Braves this year and we feel we were robbed of an opportunity.  Make Jones come to Yankee Stadium just to get a standing O, and you can have ARod.

Miami Marlins- Heath Bell
I mean, at least with Bell you can choose the situation you put him in.  With ARod, he just happens to be at bat when you really need a hit.  With Bell you choose when he pitches and when he doesn't.

New York Mets- One week at the RA Dickey baseball camp
There has to be some terrible pitcher in our minor leagues that we can teach the knuckleball to.  If he helps us we screw up your team, uh, I mean we give you a player with over 600 home runs!

Philadelphia Phillies- just want to hurt Papelbon a little
Maybe a Tonya Harding Nancy Kerrigan situation.  I understand he is your closer and you need him, but we have needed this since we saw him dancing in those short shorts in Boston.

Washington Nationals- Vote for Romney
That tax break that the Yankees are getting, you know being in the 1 percent and all, will really help us over pay for someone who isn't Alex Rodriguez. 

Chicago Cubs- Alfonso Soriano
We love irony in New York.  What would be more ironic than to redo the trade that already happened?  Plus I am sure we can play the "change of scenery" card on both sides.

Cincinnati Reds- Ken Griffey Jr
What?....What do you mean he hasn't been there in 2008?  Well where is he?  He is old and was once great he has to wear a Yankee uniform at some time in his career.  He retired???????  Aw this is some bull......

Houston Astros- We'll talk to Bud
Listen, were the Yankees.  We have a little pull around here.  We want to send ARod back to Texas because he will be happy there and in return since we're "ahem" scared to have you in the American League we will make sure you stay in the nice and cosy NL Central.

Milwaukee Brewers- Jeter will pee for you
Since I am pretty sure that you guys need some help with the whole "superstar pees in a cup thing" we will help you out.  Derek will collect his sample enough times to use for Ryan Braun until his contract is up with you guys.

Pittsburgh Pirates- Steel
We hear you guys have a plethora of it and we really hear metal is on the rise in this economy.  Also it is to build a cage to put Nick Swisher in when we inform him we don't want him back next year.

St Louis Cardinals- Ryan Jackson
We may have lied when Reggie saw his name on the lineup card for your game last night and told him his name was also Reggie.  It is just to keep him occupied for a little, but now he is begging for us to get him.  I mean they have the same skill level at this point so we'll do that straight up.

Arizona Diamondbacks- Luis Gonzalez
We know he is retired, but Mariano keeps telling us he needs to be "handled".  We are just trying to appease him with this move.  Also we are kind of curious what he is going to do in said "handling".

Colorado Rockies- Coors Light
Granderson cannot take real beer, so we give him Coors Light because we all know it is basically carbonated water, but he thinks it is beer so it makes him happy. 

Los Angeles Dodgers- Magic Johnson signed jersey
I mean how cool would it be for Magic to sign a jersey just for us?!?  That would be awesome.  Maybe throw in a Starbucks too?

San Diego Padres- don't let us sign your players
In exchange of you getting this awesome third baseman/short stop (that's right two positions!) we will sign a contract stating that we will not out bid you for players.  This will help you guys save us for overspending and we really appreciate it.

San Francisco Giants- Brian Wilson must shave
His beard makes me uncontrollably angry.  It makes me want to trade you Alex Rodrigu....Rodriguero who is another guy who I wouldn't dare stick you with.

Texas Rangers- Josh Hamilton
I mean you guys didn't want him anyway, right?  He has bad character and he is an addict and drinks too much caffeine and all that.  We will take care of that problem for you.

Seattle Mariners- let us sign Ichiro
Seriously, tell him how awesome we usually are.  He seems pretty mad that he is the only one on our team that knows how to get a hit. 

Oakland Athletics- Billy Beane's brain
I mean, we like Cashman, but imagine Cashman's smug look with Beane's awesome brain inside.  This is a match made in baseball heaven!  Or some messed up laboratory we own in the mountains.

Los Angeles Angels- Mike Trout will become MVP
We have a lot of writers in New York.  We obviously don't like Cabrera.  And while we would love Jeter to win, we are realistic in New York.  We will vote Trout MVP, but you guys MUST vote Jeter second.

Minnesota Twins- movie night at Target Field
Let's be serious, you're stadium is your biggest asset.  Since we can't take the whole thing at least let us have all our friends and family come over to watch Promethius on the jumbo tron.  We just want to pull the "just because we can" card on them.

Kansas City Royals- an apology
Listen, Robinson Cano is really upset you booed him so venomously.  You know Billy Butler isn't worthy of being an All-Star, and Robby just did not want to embellish Bud Selig and his rules.  So Cano gets one big "I'm sorry" from the crown and ARod will switch uniforms.

Detroit Tigers- Jim Leyland's cigarette butts
We are trying to get Girardi to pick up smoking so he can be more like Jim.  If he gets the hang of it while he gets that sweet Leyland nectar on his lips maybe he would be more apt to it.

Cleveland Indians- rename your park Jacob's Field again
Progressive Field?  REALLY?? Stop it you play at Jacob's field.  Nobody calls it Progressive Field.  You need to stop kidding yourself.  Let us kick your ass in Jacob's field again.

Chicago White Sox-  wear white socks
How is a team that is named after an article of clothing not wearing that said article of clothing?  Wear white socks damn it!  Plus Rodriguez looks damn good in some white socks.

Toronto Blue Jays- Become American
We are sick and tired of having to go through customs every time we play in your stadium.  Can we work something out where Toronto just becomes an American city?  I am sure the NBA would thank you as well.

Tampa Bay Rays- anything but Kyle Farnsworth
Please don't make us do that again.

Boston Red Sox- Bobby Valentine
We thoroughly enjoy your now famous smear campaigns.  We asked ourselves "What is the only way to make this better?".  We realized having the man there to see his reaction to every allegation would make it so much more fun.  I know you hate us but give us that enjoyment.

Baltimore Orioles- we will switch places
We will claim that we cheated in game 5.  We are bored of the Tigers and want you guys to finish the job for us.  Just try not to start ARod right away.  He may need some time to get the feel of the hot girls that are in Baltimore.

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